Office Nonsense Tally, Vol. 2

Monday--*Long lunch with some buddies. *At the urging of my manager, write a beautiful phone script extolling the virtues of the company for use in sales calls to drum up more business. Make mental note to fully intend to never use it.

Tuesday--Half Day: *Find ways to avoid making stupid sales cold calls to people at companies who will never call us back: Looking at pictures of my niece, ordering gas service for the apartment (50 mins on hold, those fuckers!), 3 separate trips to the snack machine.

Wednesday--*Change the colors of the bars in a bar graph from pink and purple to green and blue. Consider using 12pt Helvetica font for the legend rather than that tired, old 10pt Times New Roman.

Thursday--Half Day: *Come in to find my computer & belongings transported to the prairie dog cubicle farm in the other part of the office. Spend 2 hours throwing out some other lady's files and various personal items from my new cubby hole. *Probably the most work-intensive 4 hour period this week: spent 15 minutes locating/printing/collating 10-12 documents for which, I find out later, my shit-for-brains manager already had copies.

Friday--*Stroll in 45 mins late (happy "hour" on Green St. the night prior inevitably morphed into an all night boozefest.) *Take two hour lunch to get some grub into my belly in the hopes that it will soak up the remaining liquor in my system. Almost spew the first bite onto the waitstaff. *Blow off my manager to do some more interesting work on the company's sales strategy with a senior partner. "Sorry, can't make that hair appointment for you just yet, I need to help find out from where the next $1 million in company revenue is coming." Her hatred grows, I feel it. I anticipate being fired very soon.

If 1 Beer Kills 10 Brain Cells...

I have (-)1,060,570 brain cells left. I am a living miracle.

Yum

In this town known for its crazed sports fanatics, I am alas an anomaly with no real loyalty to any of the home teams. But tonight I got my first glimpse of the Sixers' Kyle Korver. Hoo mama. Go Sixers.

A Victim to Statistics

In a previous post of mine, I somewhat scolded our government for the apparent lack of concern with which it was regarding the victims of Katrina, for which the casualty count was purported to soar into several thousands.

Everyone says we should all be wary of numbers, stats, and the weighty opinion of "experts," but I was reminded of the need for prudence when making judgement based on numbers after reading the book, "Freakonomics," which turns many of our conventional beliefs about crime rates, quality of education, and cheating completely topsy-turvy.

I still don't know what the exact number of the death toll was from Hurricane Katrina, but a 9/21/05 article on CNN.com, http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/21/katrina.impact/, approximates a number of 1,033 as of that date, a ten-fold difference from the forecasts directly following the natural disaster.

Last Week's Office Nonsense Tally, Vol. 1

Monday

• 4+hrs spent paying bills, looking for furniture online, taking/making personal calls
• Maxiumum number of active IM conversations at one time: 3
• Longest continuous IM session: 2 hrs
• Potty breaks: 1 (would be more, but I like to avoid public restrooms)
• # times caught by manager IM'ing & surfing: at least 4
• # of 20+ minute breaks to move my friend's car which was parked in 2 hr zones all day: 4
• Total amount of actual work done in an 8 hr day: half hour

Tuesday (half day)

• Cumulative time spent bullshitting live w/ coworkers: 1 hrs
• Maxiumum number of active IM conversations at one time: 3
• # of 20+ minute breaks to move my friend's car which was parked in 2 hr zones again: 1 (got a $20 ticket--damn you, Philadelphia Parking Authority!)
• # times caught by manager IM'ing & surfing: 1 (was only a 1/2 day, mind you)

Wednesday

• Lunch break: 2.5 hrs
• Starbucks break: 30 mins
• Moving the car: 4 times (another ticket--for a bullshit reason, I'm fighting that one)
• Work done: very little
• IM'ing/surfing: very much

Thursday & Friday: Went outta town

A fruitful week indeed!!!

Social Experiment

Despite all my previous bitching, sometimes this part-time job thang is just plain amusing. Because of the high turnover and previous turmoil at this company, I'm sure there are side bets being had about how long I'll stay. In turn, I am starting my own little experiment on how much blatant screwing around I can do before getting reprimanded, or even fired. I'm going to take a running tally of how many times I get caught by my manager IM'ing friends or sending personal emails and strive to best each weekly record. Truth is, I'm pretty honest with my manager about how bored I usually am, which happens often. (And for the record, just because you give me tons of monkey shit work to do, that does NOT alleviate the boredom.) So I'm working on the shift from glorified secretary to superstar office woman...else, I'm going to have bring in a dead fish to the office & start gutting it on my desk during mid-morning break.

Another Book Report: "Fraud"

Reading David Rakoff's collection of satiric essays, "Fraud." His writing is reminiscent of the sardonic wit of David Sedaris from "Me Talk Pretty One Day" fame (one of my personal favorite humorists.) He takes the quotidien & transforms it into gut-busting sarcastic commentary, not unlike Seinfeld, the show that manages to entertain though it's about nothing at all.

A couple times in the book, Rakoff makes mention of his good friend David and wouldn't you know it, in the credits and final thank you's, Rakoff offers heartfelt thanks for Sedaris' unwavering belief...blah blah blah...in Rakoff's abilities. The literary circles are miniscule spheres indeed.

"Fraud." Read it. It's bound to elicit more than a few chortles out of you.

A Breather At Long Last

After several months playing the part of the vagabond, I have finally settled into a place of my own for at least the next year. The summer has been chockful of activity with three moves out/in of three apartments, the churning out of a new business model for our company, the birth of a new niece (the penultimate highlight!), and my continued attempt to hold onto the carefree stream of inebriation I enjoyed as a graduate student (I daresay I have a firm grip on this one.) While most may view my recent life choices as regressive, (living alone in an rented apartment, no plans for a family or marriage, shunning a real job to struggle through an entrepreneurial venture), I feel so in control while wading through the vicissitudes of this scaled-down lifestyle. Believe me, I am far from being 100% content with everything about the status quo, but I must say I am happily soaring in the 90th percentile.

A Slight Chill in the Air

While I do enjoy fall, it is a sad reminder that winter is nigh. Name that seasonal tune:

a) "You know the preacher loves the cold..."

b) "Funny how my memory trips looking over manuscipts of unpublished rhyme, drinking my vodka and lime..."

c) "Hair is gray and the fire is burning..."